Infrequent Nights

Warning: Excessively self-indulgent post approaching.

I've come to the realization that deep within my psyche lies a defect of some sort. I seem to be inexplicably attracted to learning ridiculously difficult, and in some cases bordering up on completely useless, skills. I'm not really sure where my drive to speak Chinese comes from, but I have noticed that it shares many similarities with some of my other 'phases' (which I use for lack of a better word) such as my earlier drive to be a professional juggler. I made a decision when I was about 18 or 19 that I was going to be a professional juggler. Thereafter I trained virtually non-stop for a few years. Subsequently, I achieved what I had set out to do and have since performed in over a dozen countries. My current hardcore daily studying schedule resembles my early juggling training schedule. Which begs the question: Why do I insist on learning such difficult things? And why, once I make my decision, do I so obsessively pursue my goals?

Being able to juggle a five club cascade isn't a particularly useful skill. In fact it is in some ways representative of waste. I spent thousands of hours training, and what do I have to show for it? A useless trick that doesn't last very long. While Chinese language skills are arguably more useful than juggling, I have no really good reason to bother learning Chinese. Rather I think it is the initial difficulty that attracted me to the language. I enjoy mastering things that I find difficult. Furthermore, I enjoy the process of training myself to become better at something.

It is the results that really attract me. When I see myself progress from one day to another, whether it be a more solid juggling pattern, enhanced ability to read an article in Chinese, or what have you, I feel as if I have accomplished something, and it is this sense of accomplishment that drives me. Why I strive for this sense of accomplisment I don't know, but I suppose it is preferrable to not having motivation of any sort.

One good thing to be said for learning Chinese is that it elicits much more respect than juggling. Juggling is perceived as silly by most. It is difficult to argue with their assesment. Chinese though carries a mystique of difficulty (well deserved I'd say) and considering the current geo-political situation is thought by many to be a very practical area of study. I suspect it, like the other things I train myself to do, will prove useful in the future.