Infrequent Nights

Taiwan isn’t a strictly homogenous society. There are, especially here in Taipei, people of various ethnicities, cultures and colors. That said, there aren’t so many that we don’t stand out like lint on a black sweater. When I take the MRT I am virtually always the only white guy in the car. When I go to a park to juggle I am usually the only obviously foreign guy there. This leads people to a number of assumptions. The first of which is that I am an English teacher. The vast majority of white people here, especially those in my age bracket, teach English. The second assumption is that I am completely ignorant of the language. The third assumption is that I want a Taiwanese girlfriend. I don’t mind the first assumption. It has led to some interesting conversations, including me giving an impromptu English lesson on an MRT train to a very cute 4 year old who spoke surprisingly good English. The second assumption just leads people to praise my labored, and mistake-ridden Chinese utterances. The third assumption is a bit of a hassle at times. I think I finally know what it is like to be a babe in a bar in North America. Many girls here are desperate for a foreign boyfriend. Foreign oftentimes seems to be the only important criteria. A boy could be a complete minger, but provided he’s white and speaks English he’s a catch. This has led to me signing autographs, posing in dozens of photographs, and having to set a number of “language-exchange” partners straight. The infamous “language-exchange” is often used by locals and foreigners alike to find individuals with which to exchange things other than language.

As a foreigner one is often stopped in the street by school-aged children. All kids here study English in school. These kids are given “homework” in the form of instructions to go out, find a foreigner, and have a conversation. I find it humorous as these instructions are exactly the opposite of what North American kids are told time and again, “don’t talk with strangers.” Here kids are not only encouraged to talk to strangers, they have to have the stranger sign a piece of paper to prove that they have done so. Usually the kids just want your signature. The exchange goes thus:
Student: “Hi, can you help me with my homework?”
Me: “What do you need?”
Student: “I have to have an English conversation.”
Me: “What do you want to talk about?”
Student: (thrusting paper in my face) “Just sign this.”
I sign the paper, and they walk away. I’ve no idea why they bother finding a foreigner to sign the paper. Anyone could do as good a job as me of scrawling an illegible signature onto their homework. That said, I'd prefer to have them use me to skimp on their homework, rather than steal my MP3 player like many North American teens would do.